8 Power Moves from Self-Loathing to Self-Acceptance

#1 – Seek professional help.

Get help from a trained therapist or certified professional coach to uncover the root of those self-limiting beliefs. Where did they come from? For some, it may have started in early childhood. Studies show that “as children we’re able to accept ourselves only to the degree we feel accepted by our parents.” If our parents didn’t give or know how to show their acceptance, then it likely created long-standing feelings of ambivalence or self-loathing. It’s time to address those feelings. The past need not be your present or your future. You can create a new reality. Separate fact from fiction and move from dysfunctional to a healthy perception of self.

#2 – Center your values.

Often, we are judging ourselves harshly because we are trying to live up to others’ expectations and perceptions of who they think we are or should be. The best thing you can do for yourself is to get clear about your own values and create your own standards of beauty, excellence, and success. Live life on your own terms.

#3 – Give yourself the credit you are due.

We have a hard time congratulating ourselves for making progress toward a goal, completing an assignment, or being a really good friend. Find pleasure in the process and in small wins. Treat yourself how you’d treat a good friend. Congratulate yourself and celebrate your contributions.

“Remember, you have been criticizing yourself for years and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.” ~  Louise L. Hay

#4 – Surround yourself with positive people.

There’s truth to the saying that we become like the people we spend the most time with. Who is in your inner circle? Perhaps you need to surround yourself with more people who are happy and content with themselves because happiness and positivity are contagious. These people are secure enough in themselves that they can be great supporters in your life.

#5 – Focus on serving others.

Licensed psychotherapist Emily Roberts found that by helping others in need, you “can build self-esteem and create a positive relationship with yourself.” Extending compassion toward others activates the reward centers in our brain and produces “feel good” hormones, which leads to a sense of purpose and self-worth.

#6 – Befriend the inner critic.

It’s hard to believe, but yes, working with your inner critic is a power move toward self-acceptance. Realize that your inner critic is just trying to keep you safe. It resides in the most primitive part of your brain, the amygdala, that recognizes threats and activates to ensure your survival. When the inner critic perceives a threat (e.g., trying new things, going for a promotion, or starting a new relationship), it sends you messages to keep you from moving forward. By befriending the inner critic and using the language that it knows, you can change how the inner critic works with you. For example, if you say, “Max (the name I’ve given to my inner critic), if I don’t do this now, I will regret it the rest of my life, and I can’t live with that.” That activates the inner critic to do what is needed to help you survive. You can say, “Max, what I need you to do is remind me that I’m fully capable of meeting this challenge. I am enough. Then, I’ll survive.” This might sound strange, but it works. Try it.

#7 – Stop ap0logizing.

Rachel Hollis, in Girl, Stop Apologizing, told women to embrace their unique desires and stop seeking approval from others. These are messages for everyone. Go after what you really want in life. Stop asking permission. Be okay with being different and stop being ashamed and guilty for wanting what you want. It’s your life. (See #2).

“When you stop living your life based on what others think of you real life begins. At that moment, you will finally see the door of self-acceptance opened.” ~ Shannon L. Alder

#8 – Forgive yourself.

You have flaws. We all do. You will mess up. We all mess up sometimes. Learning to forgive yourself is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself. I’m not minimizing the pain that can come when you let yourself or others down. It’s real. But what benefit is it to lament ad nauseam over the wrongdoing? Face it head on. Give yourself some grace. From what I’ve read, you might try the following steps to self-forgiveness:

• Acknowledge your mistakes and accept appropriate responsibility.
• Come to terms with your feelings. If you’re sad, guilty, ashamed, or frustrated, sit with your feelings. Accept that your feelings are valid, but then don’t dwell on them.
• Express remorse, even if the harm was to yourself only.
• Forgive yourself, assess lessons learned and grow from the experience.